When we left him Christopher Colombus had returned triumphalist to
Spain. His meeting with King Fernando wasn’t going as well as he had expected…
‘Miss it?’ said Colombus in a state of confusion. ‘Miss what Your
Majesty?’
King Fernando of Spain looked irritated:
‘India! How did you miss it? I gave you the latest navigational
equipment did I not? You had an hourglass didn’t you?’
‘Sire - ’
‘They tell me it’s a big place. The Moors can find it. I mean, you
there, who are you?’ bellowed the King.
‘Your son, father.’
‘Fine. India ,
its big isn’t it. Bigger than Toledo for example?’
‘Yes father.’
‘And you, the other one - ’ continued the King.
‘Columbus’
‘Yes you. You could find Toledo
couldn’t you? You could sail to Toledo
without much trouble?’
‘If it were on the coast Your Majesty; yes.’
‘Then how in the name of the Lord, Mary, Joseph, and all the saints did
you mess it up? How did you miss it?’
‘Sire - ’ Columbus tried.
‘You didn’t expect there to be a big sign saying “India” or “This is
India” did you, because the cartographers write that on, the signs don’t really
exist you know! I had men of science check. They came back with an affirmative
and definite “probably not”.’
‘I don’t think you understand.’
‘It’s a myth; like elephants eating strawberries or lost continents.
What were you going to say?’
‘We discovered a lost continent sir.’
‘Rubbish.’
‘Sire - ’ Columbus tried again.
‘I’ve never heard such rubbish in my life. You’ve been in the sun too
long; you’ve been bitten by a mosque. If there were a lost continent someone
would have found it by now. It’s 1472! We’re going to have serious words; just
as soon as I have taken my walk in the gardens.’
*
‘Remind me why you’re here’ said the King to Columbus.
‘I have set foot on a land where no European has ever set foot. I - ’
‘Ah, yes. You missed India .
No foresight, that’s you’re problem.’
‘We certainly didn’t miss this new place. The dent on the bow of the
ship is testament to that.’
‘You collided with it, this fool’s India?’
‘I’m afraid we did sir. A number of the men thought it was a whale.’
‘Where do you get these men from?’
‘Gaol mostly. There is talk of gold.’
‘There’s always talk of gold. When hasn’t there been talk of
gold?’
‘The black death? The Indians smoke substances they call chocolate and
tobacco. The colonies granted us by the Papal Bull could raise millions.’
‘I don’t care about the gold. Tell me, did you find India ? No, you
cost me a fortune finding a new bloody continent. Haven’t we got enough
problems with the ones we have already? God’s wounds! No wonder John laughed
you out of his palace.’
‘The King of Portugal didn’t have the foresight of this court, my Lord.
It was there Your Majesty. I couldn’t just avoid it. I couldn’t avoid the
thing.’
‘No? Of course you could have. You were to find India . Now
unless India
has moved, been renamed, or lost, you didn’t carry out orders as instructed. Do
they have the Indian herbs and spices in this new place? I suppose not. When
you are given a command by the King of Spain you carry it out as if it were
given to you by God himself; or by the King of England!’
‘Your Majesty, the men; the land. The ships would have…but that was my
instruction, and that is what I should have done. I should have ordered the men
away from the Indians and the most exciting discovery since the moon, and
ordered them from the only land they had seen in weeks.’
‘Precisely’ said the King. ‘I’m glad you’ve seen sense.’